Darkness

When I created this blog, I had a mind to write honestly and helpfully in any way possible. I still do. However, it’s been difficult to move past my heartbreak to write about anything. This pain that follows me around like a loyal pet, it refuses to stray no matter my efforts to heal.

“Sometimes a broken heart can mend something else’s brokenness” 

― Munia Khan

I’ve tried “getting back out there” by accepting dates by men who’ve shown interest in the past and even using dating apps. The obstacle I face is in the form of a brick wall much taller than my line of sight. I want to laugh sincerely at jokes and be receptive to a warm kiss, but my heart will not allow me to just yet.

An average day for me can be described as forceful fun. I force myself to engage in the things I like, hoping it will push me closer to repair. Doing this brings many situations where I feel so happy I could burst. However, when the situation ends, the clouds roll in and darkness makes itself stubbornly prominent. In return, I find myself getting comfortable in this absence of light like a warm blanket as if it were invited. Perhaps, maybe it is.

“But, truly, the darkness is simply a piece of the whole, neither good nor evil unless you make it so.”

― Jenna Maclaine, Bound By Sin

 

Fellowship with close friends, spectacular dates with eligible men, even really great ice cream all lose their flavor when I’m alone with my thoughts. I keep thinking about what mistakes I made to have led myself to love a man whose heart was always guarded. It belonged to someone else and I refused to acknowledge it. Now, it’s in possession of its true owner and the two of them are currently engaged.

“Out of the millions and millions of people who inhabit this planet, he is one of the tiny few I can never have.” 

― Tabitha Suzuma

Something I’m quite used to, being used for a fair exchange. In this case, I took fairness out of the equation when I decided to involve my heart. How can I avoid this in the future? The thought is keeping me from allowing love and new friendship into my life, at this moment. I feel closed-off, broken, and deeply embarrassed.

It feels like my pain radiates from a core place inside me, so I hide. I’ve been hiding behind my work, throwing myself into anything that makes me feel like I’m progressing in ways I can control. I’ve read several books, set up my own photo shoots, organized girls’ night out, adopted an exercise routine, and many more activities you could think of to try to stay active with a broken heart. None of these things compare to finding true solace in my own body.

People may read this and think “there’s always a way to look on the bright side” but I know that a flame such as relative happiness, no matter how bright, always burns out. The only solution I seek and whole-heartedly believe to be real is creating a life of absolute happiness within myself. That, my friends, is the most difficult to acquire and takes more time than you can imagine.

“Change is inevitable. Progression is a choice. We all move, but are you going to move forward?” 

― Ricky Maye

For me, being alone, away from immediate family, and living as a public sex symbol is devastatingly challenging. But, I wake up in the morning feeling grateful to have even done so, and start my day with prayer having faith that my present day will be better than the last. Either that, or fall into despair and become immobilized from anguish.

I see myself having the life I desire with a successful marriage, travel opportunities, children of my own, and many booming businesses. The way I see it, I’ll only be able to  make these dreams become reality once I surrender fully to the will of the universe. I’d like to mature in the way that’s meant for me so that I can be of better service to my community, my friends, my family and my purpose.

“When we are in love, we are convinced nobody else will do. But as time goes by, others do do, and often do do, much much better.”

― Coco J. Ginger

With steady effort and belief in our own abilities, we can achieve great things. I write about the burden of my weighing pain, knowing it will be proven temporary one day. That day, unfortunately, does not feel nearby at all.

“you

not wanting me
was
the beginning of me
wanting myself
thank you” 

― Nayyirah Waheed

6 comments

  1. James · September 30, 2017

    It’s 3:49 am when I just finished reading your blog Im in New York now but also live in Santa Monica. Your words are filled with wisdom and I can feel your pain. Even though I have never met you, you are an amazing woman intelligent compassionate and I’m thinking a heart of gold. That person one day will realize what he has lost. You’re a child of God and he loves you very much and has big plans for you in the future keep your head up don’t lose that beautiful smile and may God bless you always

    Like

  2. Robert · September 30, 2017

    I can totally relate. A broken heart is an unbearable feeling. I’ve had my share to speak of.. You seem like a super cool girl. I wish I could get to know you. So much depth to your soul. To say that I find you alluring would be a massive understatement. I’m so sorry you’re in pain.

    As I’m sure you’ve discovered those closest, who should care the most, have a limit to their acknowledgment of your pain. As if some random generated period of time is all you should need to mend the pain and “get over it.” Just know that time does heal. I’d love to lend a friendly shoulder to cry on, should you need a companion. I know it must be hard to always be the object of ones desire. It’s difficult to observe you and not notice your obvious outward beauty (don’t get me wrong). But I would love to help you, as a friend, to heal, and nothing more, if you allow me.

    Like

  3. Gregory Jackson · September 30, 2017

    Wow… I am in awe that and hurt that you are going through that pain alone. I can relate to the most when you alone & your thoughts creeps in. But I pray that you will receive the happiness you deserve baby girl. I hope you keep in touch with me. It not I can understand that also. Blessings to you beautiful!!

    Like

  4. M · September 30, 2017

    Damn that’s rough. Good vibes to you. Hopefully you find that sense of peace sooner rather than later. This really struck close to home for me. Got my heart broken six years ago, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be the same. It’s rare that I get excited by potential mates anymore, and I tend to sabotage or not make a move when I do like someone. I don’t necessarily love too easy, rather I’m too straightforward with my feelings. It’s weird and I feel like a jerk because I’ll date someone for months, but never feel anything for them. It’s like I’m just going through the motions, not because I’m intentionally being a dick, but out of survival. We all need love, ya know?

    I’ve recently moved back home to SoCal, and it feels foreign AF. I’m in a city full of people I know yet I feel alone. I’ve never felt more like a stranger than I do now. I think I’m destined to be alone. I’m finally just accepting it. What’s the use?

    Anyway, keep it moving. Hopefully it doesn’t take long to close that door completely. Just don’t let it snatch your spirit like I allowed it to. Peace and love.

    Like

  5. James · September 30, 2017

    I felt this more than you know

    Like

  6. Vince · September 30, 2017

    You just relived alnost every adult person in the universe. It has happened to us all. Loving someone sincerely and honestly, only to realize its a one-sided relationship. There is no cure. No drink special. No guys/girls night out that heals the pain. The only cure for most is TIME. It happened to Oprah, Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Sinamon, Heather Hunter and though I’m not famous it happened to me. No worse feeling in the world than to love and not be loved back. Time was my healer. I hope time will work for you as well.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s