Losing her virginity is an unforgettable experience for every girl. My experience, however, was one I wish I could relive every day. At fourteen years old, I went through a stage of rebellious curiosity that probably should have killed me.
“She was a natural in being careless, haggard, even dirty. that made her look adventurous, flirtatious and even promiscuous. Though deep inside her pure virginity was intact and unknowingly she ended glowing under tender virginity that she possessed.”
― Apurva Sharma
Most girls at my school were talking about having boyfriends, wearing lots of makeup and having sex. Losing your virginity was hyped up to be one of the greatest things a girl could do. If you weren’t having sex, you weren’t a part of the exclusive side conversations girls would have about it. “Did he do this to you? Oh, try this next time, you’ll love it!” I wanted to know what all the damn fuss was about.
I met a boy named Pharon who liked to write me poems, so I chose him as a perfect candidate to experiment with. I imagined he’d be a passionate suitor. We only dated for about one month before I invited him over to my house during a time my single mother was away at work. On that fateful day, I spent all morning straightening my hair. I had music playing for ambiance and prepared an arrangement of fresh fruit, chips and dip.
The birds all started chirping and the sun grazed my face as I answered the door for my intended lover. I nervously greeted him, giggling uncontrollably and smiling from ear to ear. After a few failed attempts at conversation and a couple cliché sex jokes, we ascended to my stuffed-animal adorned bedroom.
As Pharon proceeded to lie on top of me, I heard the screeching noise of a record stopping in my head. He made no attempts to be romantic or talk me through what he was trying to do. His method was simply to spread my legs and insert himself. What a let down.
I remember that he didn’t even want to show me his naked body and preferred to remain under the covers of my flower-print bed spread. He was an untrained, insecure young boy, and I was a girl of similar characteristics. We were two kids awkwardly body surfing, occasionally bumping heads, and calling it intercourse.
“Virginity is a myth, by the way. There is no on-off switch, no point of return. It’s just a first experience, like any other. Everything surrounding it, all the lights and curtains and special effects- that’s just part of the myth.”
― Eleanor Catton,
The entire day wasn’t spoiled as I made an attempt to recover my disappointment by running a bath and inviting him to join me. We sat and talked in a warm tub for about an hour which made up for a gawky beginning. After drying off and getting redressed, I calmly escorted him out with a warm hug and kiss on the lips.
For three years after that, I remained celibate. I didn’t want to ever experience such a let down from the act of intimacy again. I knew from reading books and seeing movies that sex could be so much more than what I had thrown myself into. I vowed to find a partner who could help me experience that puffed up fantasy. Although it took me years to do it, I did.
“Perhaps it’s true that in our sex-saturated culture it does take a certain amount of self-discipline to resist having sex, but restraint does not equal morality… Because the “strength” involved in these women’s choice would be about doing what they want despite pressure to the contrary, not about resisting the sex act itself.”
― Jessica Valenti,
Sex is portrayed in so many different ways now, due to the fast-paced, digital age we live in. When I was young, we stayed up late at night to catch the uncensored sex scenes on HBO television. That was the only place to see anything explicit, back then. Now, all you have to do is open your cell phone or turn your head to the right. The pressure to have sex is way more demanding, but it should only be had when two people really, really, really dig each other.
“It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.”
Intimacy for me has, apparently, always been a thing of curiosity. I’ve learned many things about sex, being in the sex industry and having been drawn by my curious mind. It’s a vast world of wonders that should be explored in harmony and with an open mind. With this knowledge I believe that when the time is right, sex has the potential to be a wondrous, magical act.