How am I, Really? (Self Review)

One year ago today, I became a single woman. Since then, I’ve done so many things to rebuild my confidence, my sanity, and the overall love I have for myself. I took a six month break from social media to completely focus on nursing my star player (me) back to health. So, how far have I actually come?

Spirituality

spirituality2

I was raised in a Southern, Christian Lutheran church, taught to believe in one God and the prophet, Jesus Christ. I haven’t abandoned my teachings, but as I’ve gotten older and traveled the world, I’ve become receptive to many other spiritual practices. I’m a member of the SGI (Soka Gakkai International) Nichiren Buddhist practice. It’s helped me feel more centered in my beliefs. I also feel as if I’m working with God instead of making pleas/requests through traditional prayer.

I’ve explored other religious practices, (like Wicca and Shamanism) and the ones that draw me in are usually ones based on meditation and connections with a universal energy source (which is God, in my mind). My spiritual diversity has helped me through the journey back to my own heart.

Living Environment

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Right now, I still live in the apartment gifted to me by my ex boyfriend. This has made the process of moving on much more difficult. During the early months of our break up, I continued to have a relationship with my ex, making sure my living situation would not change too soon. I feared having to move out and pay some ridiculous amount for rent somewhere else in Los Angeles. Seeing him, however, breaks my heart. Every time.

I know it’s not a good thing to maintain a relationship with a married man. So now, I travel back and forth from LA to my family home in Georgia to give myself room to transition out of that space. I love my beautiful, little LA studio, and don’t have any desire to leave it. But the reality is, as long as I’m there, I will always have a toxic attachment in my life.

Romance

romance

On a brighter note, I’ve started dating again! It took me quite a long time to be able to sit across from someone at a dinner table without radiating insecurity from my broken heart. After about six months of self-care, (new workout routines, new skills mastered, new hairstyles, new places traveled) I was ready to receive kindness from other men.

When you don’t like yourself, it’s almost impossible to be liked by someone else. I have an idea now that I would like to become a girlfriend again, so I date very cautiously and I am particular about the type of men I share my time with. Being a porn actress definitely hardens the playing field, but dating is not impossible. My theory is that the right guy will be able to handle my basket full of extraordinarily colorful eggs.

Health and Fitness

health

There are all types of diet fads out now. There’s the Paleo diet, the Keto diet, and diets based on your blood type; just to name a few. I’ve recently been following the nutritional guidelines set for an A positive blood type. Although there’s no scientific evidence of any of these diets creating drastic weight change, I feel really good.

Most of the major requirements for an A positive blood type diet are omitting things like dairy, heavy meats, and certain fruits and vegetables. I just want to treat my body in the best way possible. It’s one of the things I find important for loving yourself, so you can love others in return.

Growth and Learning

learning

I’m so sick of people telling me to go back to college and finish my degree. Until I become a credible college drop out, I’ll continue to hear older friends and family members’ suggestions on how to improve my life. I read one book every other week. I study subjects I want to master on my own time. My goals are clear to me, and that’s all the motivation I need to take things one step at a time.

Life has taken me on a journey that very few could overcome. The exposure I’ve generated through adult entertainment puts me in a category much different from any other. With the stigma I possess, I’ll have to travel paths much curvier than the ones that lead straight to victory. I’m okay with that, because I have to be. I understand that, in life, you never stop learning or growing until your very last day. My deepest desire is to grow into all I’m meant to become.

Financial

financial

Money is not a source of stress for me, in a world addicted to sex. I’m blessed with opportunities to generate lots of income. However, I’ve saved up enough money over the years, and have recurring payments from personal-video websites that I’m able to utilize lots of free time and focus on my core goals.

On the other hand, I have student loan debts and other financial bindings that could lead me down a spiraling depression hole if I think too much about it. I’m thinking of hiring a financial advisor to help sort out my personal debts. It’d be so nice to feel some of that weight lifted. Overall, I’m in a pretty good place. I don’t have the pressure to work mindlessly, right now. There’s plenty of time to study, practice new skills, and simply write!

Family and Friends

family

If it weren’t for my loving family, I’d probably be a meth addict on a street corner somewhere. I’m fortunate enough to have a family that supports me regardless of my life choices and welcomes me with open arms whenever I run to them. You can always tell the difference in someone’s aura who is without a foundation of love.

I have friends all over the world who are doing their best to grow themselves, and that makes me very happy. Your friends are a direct reflection of you. Over the past few years, I’ve made some friends only to eventually lose them. People are constantly changing, because that’s what we’re meant to do. The friendships that last are the ones I trust were sent by God to help mold my life in ways I’m not meant to understand.

I believe, that some people come into your life only to be leaves on your tree of life. They fall off after a season. Some people are branches, who last a bit longer. And some people are forever a part of your roots, steady and unwavering.

Community

community

As an introvert, I find it challenging to be social on a consistent basis. I can go an entire week in my apartment, alone, and feel just fine. I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing. I do know, however, that I’d like to be more social.

Relationships between communities are the seed of effective change and evolution. I also understand that in order to find a steady, romantic companion, I have to get out of the house! There’s much room for improvement there. Maybe, I’ll finally join a dance group or volunteer with an organization I support.

 

From a bird’s-eye view, I’m doing really well. I make mistakes. Sometimes, I drink too much and get really sick, reminding myself to stop drinking all together; like I told myself I would. Other times, I forget to send an email and miss an opportunity. But to me, that’s all okay as long as I’m learning. Life, itself, is absolutely beautiful.

 

20 comments

  1. Josh Hawk · June 24

    I really like the way you handled stuff going through tuff times. It’s just shows how strong you are. Also the way you pursue your goals. Wish you the best. You are a treasure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Alan Taylor · June 25

      You have gone through a lot you have become stronger and found your self happiness. You are a beautiful woman it’s time for you to shine keep your shine on don’t ever lose it. You are a true inspiration.

      Like

  2. Monte · June 24

    Best wishes!! Keep up the fight and god things will happen for you! Monte

    Like

  3. Adam · June 24

    You inspire me as a creative and a Georgia boy. I stopped watching porn and focused on a tantric practice to recenter. I still have much love for the pros that aren’t consumed by the fame. Most important I’m happy to watch you blossom into sustainable happiness.

    Blessings to your path goddess.

    🕊❤️🕊

    Like

  4. Martin · June 25

    Wow. That was really cool to read. I’m so happy you’re not a meth addict. As a fellow introvert and person trying to find themself spiritually, I wish you all the luck in the world. I find that NOONE understands introverts except for fellow introverts. We re-build our energy from getting “alone time”.

    Like

  5. DeePee3 · June 25

    You write wonderfully. I’m so glad you’re sharing your thoughts this way. I admit to seeing you only in that one “particular’ way….but your diary is a nice way to learn about the real you.

    I glad things are good for you.

    Have a great week.

    Like

  6. tonyparblog · June 25

    So many people are unaware of someone’s struggle behind the camera, I’m sorry you had someone who made you feel insecure when you have no insecurities in my opinion. Best of wishes in your journey.

    Like

  7. michaeljlando · June 25

    I love the way you broke down your life into segments and took a thorough evaluation of each area. First of, congrats on dating again, it was disheartening yet understandable to read about the emotional pain you were enduring. And I realize emotional well-being is not defined by dating, but its nice to know you’re progressing to a space where you’re comfortable enogh to try again. The part about people pressuring you into college is all too relatable (barring the public notoriety) so I get your frustration there.

    It was somewhat surprising to learn you consider yourself an intovert; you seem far more courageous than most introverts in terms of willingness to share emotionally. Most importantly, I’m happy to hear you have a loving family that’s there for you. The Christmas story you told a while back is one of my favorites. Your stories continue to enlighten and inspire me. Continuing to wish you unlimited happiness and as always (like a broken record,I’ll keep saying it) you have the ability to be one of the worlds best authors. I hope to see your books on Amazon one day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Greg Korynta · June 25

    I knew there was more to you. You’re a pretty amazing person. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

    Like

  9. Victor · June 25

    I love your true self, and how I can vividly see the beauty of your soul. Keep expressing yourself, we love the real you!

    Like

  10. Jamie Levinsky · June 25

    God bless u in this journey of life. There’s no judgement on my part. We’re all humans trying to make it in this world. We laugh, we cry. We live, we die. We attempt, we try. I only hope and pray that U become a better U. I wish I had the opportunity to truly become friends with u. Not for the wrong reasons. But u seem like a nice woman who has a great heart but makes mistakes like anyone else. I care about ur life and ur improvements. I’m here if u ever need a friend. God bless u!💖

    Like

  11. Paul · June 25

    It sounds to me you have learned to embrace and who you are, so many people walking try to be something there not…kudos to you. Unfortunately, heartbreak is a part of life, but it’s something you can rebound from. Truth be told learning to yourself is the best way to prepare for the next great relationship you will be in, never lose yourself. You know the saying, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger “, i the world is ready for the strong woman your becoming.

    Like

  12. L · June 25

    I’ll keep this short. But I wanted to thank you for sharing, that takes heart. Sounds like your on the right path, remember life is a learning process. I would love to talk to you more, but I understand I can not. Keep your prayer game strong, and the relationship you have with him…lol….More blessing are coming your way….Remember you can do all things….Well you know the rest. Stay Blessed. Also remember on the rough days always have your chest up, eyes up, and always stayed prayed up!

    Like

  13. Carlos · June 25

    As an introvert, this is very inspiring. I am relieved to hear that you’re taking time for yourself and focused on getting yourself better and to improving things. Keep at it, we will always support you. Thank you for sharing. All the best.

    Like

  14. Antoine Bissy · June 25

    Anya you are a beautiful soul in a world we will never scratch the surface of understanding. Listening to your story it just confirms that you’re a normal human being like me who has questions, doubts, complications & insecurities about life. Nothing is wrong with wanting to be normal because life is what you make it. I have loved you for many years, I am truly a fan of your content but I come to you now as a regular human being. I have always wished for the day I could meet you or just even exchange words but good things comes to those who wait. Hoping for that day 🙂 Enjoy your vacation in Jamaica my Queen!! That’s actually where I’m from but I now live in Florida.

    Like

  15. Kevin · June 25

    Thanks for sharing. Sending you energy and love. If I can be of assistance, contact me. http://www.kgblackwell.com

    Like

  16. Ryan S. · June 25

    Thank you, sometimes I feel I’m the only one going through things like this. Reading this made me feel better.

    Like

  17. Greg Jackson · June 25

    Thank you for opening up…. Sometimes i get those feelings and insecurity as a man trying to find the right woman to give my time too. So please know you are not alone….. With love, Greg

    Like

  18. John Horatio Smith · June 25

    Keep on pushing Georgia 🍑 let that pretty smile of yours light up the world…..God Bless.Love.

    Like

  19. Brandon Smith · June 26

    This inspired me to take this template and do a self review of myself. I think that this self-reflection will allow me to grow as a person as well. I thank you for sharing your journey with us!

    Liked by 1 person

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