One year ago today, I became a single woman. Since then, I’ve done so many things to rebuild my confidence, my sanity, and the overall love I have for myself. I took a six month break from social media to completely focus on nursing my star player (me) back to health. So, how far have I actually come?
I was raised in a Southern, Christian Lutheran church, taught to believe in one God and the prophet, Jesus Christ. I haven’t abandoned my teachings, but as I’ve gotten older and traveled the world, I’ve become receptive to many other spiritual practices. I’m a member of the SGI (Soka Gakkai International) Nichiren Buddhist practice. It’s helped me feel more centered in my beliefs. I also feel as if I’m working with God instead of making pleas/requests through traditional prayer.
I’ve explored other religious practices, (like Wicca and Shamanism) and the ones that draw me in are usually ones based on meditation and connections with a universal energy source (which is God, in my mind). My spiritual diversity has helped me through the journey back to my own heart.
Right now, I still live in the apartment gifted to me by my ex boyfriend. This has made the process of moving on much more difficult. During the early months of our break up, I continued to have a relationship with my ex, making sure my living situation would not change too soon. I feared having to move out and pay some ridiculous amount for rent somewhere else in Los Angeles. Seeing him, however, breaks my heart. Every time.
I know it’s not a good thing to maintain a relationship with a married man. So now, I travel back and forth from LA to my family home in Georgia to give myself room to transition out of that space. I love my beautiful, little LA studio, and don’t have any desire to leave it. But the reality is, as long as I’m there, I will always have a toxic attachment in my life.
On a brighter note, I’ve started dating again! It took me quite a long time to be able to sit across from someone at a dinner table without radiating insecurity from my broken heart. After about six months of self-care, (new workout routines, new skills mastered, new hairstyles, new places traveled) I was ready to receive kindness from other men.
When you don’t like yourself, it’s almost impossible to be liked by someone else. I have an idea now that I would like to become a girlfriend again, so I date very cautiously and I am particular about the type of men I share my time with. Being a porn actress definitely hardens the playing field, but dating is not impossible. My theory is that the right guy will be able to handle my basket full of extraordinarily colorful eggs.
Health and Fitness
There are all types of diet fads out now. There’s the Paleo diet, the Keto diet, and diets based on your blood type; just to name a few. I’ve recently been following the nutritional guidelines set for an A positive blood type. Although there’s no scientific evidence of any of these diets creating drastic weight change, I feel really good.
Most of the major requirements for an A positive blood type diet are omitting things like dairy, heavy meats, and certain fruits and vegetables. I just want to treat my body in the best way possible. It’s one of the things I find important for loving yourself, so you can love others in return.
Growth and Learning
I’m so sick of people telling me to go back to college and finish my degree. Until I become a credible college drop out, I’ll continue to hear older friends and family members’ suggestions on how to improve my life. I read one book every other week. I study subjects I want to master on my own time. My goals are clear to me, and that’s all the motivation I need to take things one step at a time.
Life has taken me on a journey that very few could overcome. The exposure I’ve generated through adult entertainment puts me in a category much different from any other. With the stigma I possess, I’ll have to travel paths much curvier than the ones that lead straight to victory. I’m okay with that, because I have to be. I understand that, in life, you never stop learning or growing until your very last day. My deepest desire is to grow into all I’m meant to become.
Money is not a source of stress for me, in a world addicted to sex. I’m blessed with opportunities to generate lots of income. However, I’ve saved up enough money over the years, and have recurring payments from personal-video websites that I’m able to utilize lots of free time and focus on my core goals.
On the other hand, I have student loan debts and other financial bindings that could lead me down a spiraling depression hole if I think too much about it. I’m thinking of hiring a financial advisor to help sort out my personal debts. It’d be so nice to feel some of that weight lifted. Overall, I’m in a pretty good place. I don’t have the pressure to work mindlessly, right now. There’s plenty of time to study, practice new skills, and simply write!
Family and Friends
If it weren’t for my loving family, I’d probably be a meth addict on a street corner somewhere. I’m fortunate enough to have a family that supports me regardless of my life choices and welcomes me with open arms whenever I run to them. You can always tell the difference in someone’s aura who is without a foundation of love.
I have friends all over the world who are doing their best to grow themselves, and that makes me very happy. Your friends are a direct reflection of you. Over the past few years, I’ve made some friends only to eventually lose them. People are constantly changing, because that’s what we’re meant to do. The friendships that last are the ones I trust were sent by God to help mold my life in ways I’m not meant to understand.
I believe, that some people come into your life only to be leaves on your tree of life. They fall off after a season. Some people are branches, who last a bit longer. And some people are forever a part of your roots, steady and unwavering.
As an introvert, I find it challenging to be social on a consistent basis. I can go an entire week in my apartment, alone, and feel just fine. I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing. I do know, however, that I’d like to be more social.
Relationships between communities are the seed of effective change and evolution. I also understand that in order to find a steady, romantic companion, I have to get out of the house! There’s much room for improvement there. Maybe, I’ll finally join a dance group or volunteer with an organization I support.
From a bird’s-eye view, I’m doing really well. I make mistakes. Sometimes, I drink too much and get really sick, reminding myself to stop drinking all together; like I told myself I would. Other times, I forget to send an email and miss an opportunity. But to me, that’s all okay as long as I’m learning. Life, itself, is absolutely beautiful.