Taking it All Off: Porn Star Makeup & Skin Care

Imagine that signature, sultry look of an actress in a porn flick, with her tossable hair and piercing, dark eyes. Imagine how her face always seems to be smooth to perfection even as she performs acrobatic tricks under bright lights. Now imagine how much makeup it takes to pull a look like that off! It takes a ton. In my experience as a porn actress, after a full day of shooting a scene in heavy makeup and plumped-up lips, successfully removing it all can be pretty challenging.

What is considered porn star makeup anyway?

It’s the layers and layers of facial foundation applied to give that flawless look of a girl straight out of a dream. Then adding loads of powders, the key to radiating against beaming studio lights.  Apply some false lashes for an exaggerated batting eye, and you’ve got a true seductress

Let’s not forget the under-eye dark liner that makes the eyes really pop when looking in any direction. ( Looking up while kneeling down, in particular) *wink. There’s also the well-defined eyebrow that completes the look of a seamless face, like a perfectly wrapped Christmas present.

It’s similar to most studio makeup routines that deflect against harsh lighting and maintains during strenuous activities. There are makeup looks that can be much more subtle. Unlike the look of meeting the parents or going on an interview, porn star makeup is much more drastic. It gears toward the look of a complete and ultimate temptress.

IMG_2141

Now, taking it all off, believe it or not, can be quite a challenge. The eyeliner a professional makeup artist will most likely use is waterproof ( to stay put when tearing up or sweating) which makes it very difficult to wash away. Plus, the layers of foundation and setting powders can be quite stubborn too, risking clogged pores if it’s not removed completely. Who wants problematic skin as a result of getting glam?

I have my own tricks of the trade when taking off performance makeup and keeping great skin underneath so I can go make-up-free on days that I want to, showing off the green birthmark I have on my left eye. My go-to cleanser is coconut oil. That’s right. Coconut oil is not just a moisturizer, but a deep cleanser too. That’s why it’s used in so many products including toothpaste formulas.

To get that stubborn, studio makeup off, I lather my entire face in coconut oil (*extra virgin) to melt away what’s been caked on. Then I’ll remove it with a regular makeup-removing wipe. It literally slides off like butter. Wipes alone usually take about three or four sheets to remove everything. Even then, you’re still left with gunk that may show up later on. So after smearing my face in the coconut oil, letting it soak for 30 seconds and wiping it away with one, maybe two makeup wipes, my face is crystal clear.

Lastly, I’ll spritz some rose water on both my face and neck to lock in moisture; I’ve got skin like the Sahara Desert. Then I’ll brush my brows out and listen to my pores sing the hallelujah song. It’s that easy, I promise. At night I have a different routine that involves cream-based cleansers and heavy hydration, but that’s a post for another time. Also, each season (winter, spring, summer, and fall) causes adjustments to be made to flow with the changes in the weather.

Our Skin is the largest, living organ we have and can be the friendliest when we take steps to nurture it. No matter where you are on your skincare journey, there’s always more to learn. New discoveries are being made every day! So try something different if your routine could use an upgrade. There’s always a way to glow from the inside, out.

IMG_2204

 

Dating App Dilemma

It took me two dates to realize that dating apps are not for me, at all. I used the Bumble app to experiment and see how I do on dates overall. I noticed the different ways I’ll respond to those typical first date questions, and how it makes me feel to connect with a total, handsome stranger. My goal was to put myself out there, for the simple sake of being out there.

Having gone through the process of starting app-messaging conversations, and eventually arranging a meet-up somewhere fun, (I think) the dates went fairly well. However, I feel as if I’m spinning in a world of randomness I created. It feels daunting to choose a date based on the attractiveness of his online profile; with basic details like: age, occupation, pet-owner status, and a limited self description.

I like to keep myself busy, working toward my goals I’ve yet to reach and striving hard to get to that point where I feel full of the light from my personal mission being fulfilled. My thought right now is, that I’ll run into the right people to date as long as I continue to be steadfast in my determination to be a better person, follow my vision, and radiate the love I have for myself .

The feeling I don’t get from dating apps is finding the image I have of my ultimate match in my mind; how he’ll be someone I meet along this next journey and is willing to walk with me, as if we were meant to bump into each other, build each other up, become besties and tie the knot.

I could totally see that happening through trying over and over again, dating as many matches from the app it takes to find a good fit. And hey, at least I tried, twice. A friend of mine suggested, “You know, the third time’s the charm!” But some of my strengths are reading/analyzing energy and being able to tell if what I’m doing is not for me (AND THEN LISTENING TO THAT VOICE)

When I close my eyes and imagine someone eligible enough to be the partner of a girl like me ( fast-paced, entertainer, creative thinker, freedom chaser) no physical features automatically come to mind, but I see a man who’s knowledgeable in the crafts of art and entertainment; whether it be technical, business, or knowledge of entrepreneurship.

I imagine we’ll meet when our lives are perfectly aligned to receive each other, notice we’re a team forged by a divine force, and lock it all down as the search comes to a beautiful close. That may seem like a fairy tale expectation, but I know that miracles happen all the time when we are aware of the clues given to us each day; and use them to make the right choices.

The app is super easy to use to find dates fast and get yourself out there. I took my time creating a profile showing off photos that will attract the type of guys I’m in interested in meeting. So needless to say, I have had a pleasant experience using the app and its conveniency. Unfortunately, I’ll have to go back to my high hopes, lucid dreams, prayers, and sacrificial offerings to be aligned with the guy I’m meant to walk beside.

I know he’s out there, I just need to work harder toward becoming the woman I see myself blossoming into. While on this journey, I’m confident, open-hearted, receptive and heavily convinced, without a doubt, that we will meet when the time is undeniably perfect for the both us.

Wish me luck on my hunt for the Will to my Jada.

What Do You ‘Do’?

I’m always asked, “What do you do?” from everyone who meets me for the first time. It seems like such a common question, but one I always feel spiraling anxiety upon hearing.

It forces me to respond in ways I may or may not be prepared for. I’m cornered to give an answer fitting for the moment. That question always brings up protective or guarded feelings; and although I’m trying to work past that, I don’t get much time to since it’s so common for people we meet to ask; it’s absolutely unavoidable.

I wear different hats. Some days I’m a caretaker to my grandma who has doctor’s visits twice a week, so we’re in and out of hospitals conversing with everyone there. Some days, I’m a writer attending book club meetings and gaining inspiration. Some days, I’m a traveler just trying to make tasteful conversation on the journey.

I’m a producer of film and photographic art; a dedicated family member; a religious practitioner; a volunteer. I mean, the list could go on and on. Nevertheless, I’m recognized, publicly as a porn actress. So it’s pretty fucking complicated.

The dilemma with my responses is making the choice to tell the outright truth, to water them down, sugar-coat them or both. It’s such a sensitive term to slam onto the table when you reveal: I’m a porn actress, Yup! I get glammed up and point the camera towards my naked body, then sell the footage online for all to see!” If that’s not coming on strong I don’t know what is.

So I have different back pocket explanations for different groups of people I associate with. If a Lyft driver and I are connecting and he or she asks ‘The Question’, I have a few guns in my back pocket. If someone from a religious group asks I have an answer ready for them as well. The same goes for family events, mainstream film associates, and other seemingly conservative counterparts.

One of my favorite capes to wear when someone asks “What do you do for a living?” is the response, “I’m in media marking”. On Monster, someone who specializes in media marketing: Combines marketing and social media management skills to architect and enhance company social media presences, including interacting with customers, promoting brand-focused interactive and engaging content, and expanding opportunities for revenue.  I think that pretty much sums up a lot. I can sprinkle fairy dust all over that job description in conversation.

I didn’t write this as a salute for lying or being fake toward everyone you meet. This diary entry is about my experience with having to protect myself and stay cautious since I’ve chosen this life path. It’s also understanding of the power of first impressions, coming from a girl like me, and how much they mean to me. What you say you do, may not reflect what you actually spend most of your time doing.

When I learned chess as a young girl, the one thing I remembered most about the strategy of the game was being able to withhold information and consider your opponent’s intentions. It’s my reasoning behind the hesitation to reveal too much of myself so freely. I like to think I’ll have the upper hand. It also helps me learn more about the other person, by listening.

I’m always seeking new ways to grow and become more aligned with my heart purpose. Maybe one day, I won’t have such a hard time picking through my file cabinet of answers to the question of ‘what my career is’. I’ll shine in certainty, having earned the right to simply respond with my name. Wouldnt that be something.

On the Basis of Masturbation

I love masturbating. I can recall the first time ever flicking my little bean at seven years old to the sex scene of an old movie. Now that I’m older, I believe it’s the ultimate form of self-care. It’s the best feeling, besides transcendence through meditation, that anyone can have. I’m talking about it in the term of la petite mort, or the little death.

Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, “To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion.”

– Mark Twain, On Masturbation

Achieving that peak moment when my spirit seems to briefly leave my body, time stands still for a few seconds only to start back again, returning my soul to me. My ears ring in a slightly high pitch and my vision is blurred. If I stand up too quickly I’d lose my balance. Those are the moments I’m talking about.

For some reason, we’re taught to believe masturbation is associated with shame and we go to great lengths to hide when, where and how we do it. Although porn and sex shops are much less taboo than they used to be, the action of getting off is still viewed as uncouth. Why is that? I believe it’s not only natural but healthy and even spiritual.

a Natural Flow

Sometimes, my hand finds its way to my underwear when I’m not even paying attention. I want to bet that I’m not the only person on earth who has this habitual reaction to natural urges. Web MD states that the medical community considers masturbation to be a natural and harmless expression of sexuality for both men and women.

It doesn’t mean we should give in to urges in public places, clearly not meant for intimacy; like the office or the train. It means acknowledging the fact that our bodies tell us what we want all the time, whether it’d be hunger for a snack in the afternoon, fatigue at the end of the day, or horniness at the thought of something sultry.

a Healthy Habit

It’s been proven that regular masturbation prevents chronic headaches, relieves body pain and even calms muscle spasms. It increases blood flow and leads to an overall happier lifestyle. I believe it helps me make clear-minded decisions in my daily life, knowing they’re not influenced by unfulfilled desires.

The experts at Planned Parenthood shared that masturbation can:

  • release sexual tension
  • reduce stress
  • help you sleep better
  • improve your self-esteem and body image
  • help treat sexual problems
  • relieve menstrual cramps and muscle tension
  • strengthen muscle tone in your pelvic and anal areas

a Spiritual Experience

When I orgasm alone, I always feel a spiritual connection to my “higher self” as if a veil has lifted. The experience is almost meditative. Transformation and self-development teacher, Teal Swan, shares many of her own views about masturbation on her website.

She explains, “During orgasm, the awareness of the identity or ego is dissolved so at that moment, you are dis-identified and you can touch your infinite nature. This is why sex and orgasm have been used as a tool in spirituality to reach higher states of consciousness. It has been called the “mini-death’ because it erases a sense of separate self.”

Still not convinced? Watch this video where Swan goes into detail about her spiritual perspective on masturbating.

______

Achieving release from masturbation can be so freeing. I suppose I’m a perfect candidate for a masturbation ambassador, being in the adult entertainment industry. I’m definitely comfortable with the idea of self-pleasure, and I promote its responsible use. Everyone should have their own masturbation routine to have a spot-on experience, every time.

My Ivy Dildo

I’m actually more of a vibrator person. I just thought the headline looked super cute. My method is to play non-lyrical music, so my thoughts aren’t influenced by anything but my own imagination. I’ll make sure my vibrator is thoroughly cleaned. Using a sex-toy that hasn’t been cleaned from its previous use is SO BAD FOR YOU. Don’t do it! No matter how much of a hurry we might be in to get down to it, it’s never worth it. A bad build up of bacterial germs await us on the surface, and who wants that in their most sacred nether region? Not me.

My favorite lubrication to use is Aloe Cadabra lube. It’s all natural, you only need a tiny drop, and the lavender scented one smells like a beautiful dream. I make it a point to use lubrication every time because not only does it provide a better outcome, it prevents any skin irritation that may arise from the act. It’s like night and day, trust me.

Both hands are always busy. One down south and one in some other direction, almost like a flailing octopus. Whatever, I’m the only one around. We do what we like when we find out what it is we like the most. Being in tune with your own body’s needs is a powerful skill. Most times, for me, fondling of the breasts is all I really need during a session.

With my eyes alternating between being closed and open toward the ceiling, I eventually achieve an eruption that I’m sure pleases all the sex gods. I like to keep baby wipes on hand. The cooling sensation I get from cleansing with a fresh baby wipe afterward puts the cherry on the whole cake. It’s like a cool high five or pat on the back.

Hey, if there’s an itch that needs to be scratched, don’t wait for someone else to come up to you with a scratcher. Having sex with other people is great, but nothing quite compares to a session with yourself especially when you know everything the self wants. When you allow yourself to burst into flames, making the ugliest face and jerking your body around as if you’re being electrocuted, without any concern of judgment, you attain profound peace. Sometimes, I think of it as a sort of self-worship.

I’d love to hear some of your masturbation methods and stories of how it helps you in any way. Many of my readers and fans send lengthy confessions to me all the time, sharing details of their most intimate encounters. I’m grateful that people feel so open toward me and have a willingness to share with me without fear of judgment. It’s pretty special.

If you’re brave, take some time to share your story in the comment section. I read every single one. I hope everyone has a fantastic Valentine’s Day weekend. If you’re spending time alone, create a sacred space and love yourself, hard. I know I will be!

Porn Sex vs. Real Sex

It’s common knowledge to most people that porn sex is not the same as real sex, at all. There are very distinct differences between the two acts. From my own experience as a porn actress, these two types of intercourse can be just as different as the sun and the moon.

Porn sex is a show. Think of yourself getting it on with your lover and you look up to find one huge spotlight raised in each corner of the room, highlighting your every wrinkle and hair follicle. In porn, sex positions are chosen that cater toward the visual aesthetic of the viewer and not what feels natural or most comfortable. Most times, I’d be in positions I wouldn’t normally choose in a dim-lit bedroom; Like a reverse cowgirl with my arms pinned back or a pile driver with extended legs and pointed toes.

Those types of positions are specifically for showing off a woman’s most private regions and exposing them in high definition. Viewers like to see exposed breasts, facial expressions, and penetration all at once. So, while I’m bouncing up and down, I’d have to have my legs open as wide as possible, body tilted toward a camera and my face expressing maximum pleasure. Super realistic.

In porn, there’s an unspoken responsibility to not get lost in the act because, at the end of the day, it’s a performer’s job to sell the fantasy. Getting caught up in an intimate moment may not provide the best angling for video footage and is inconsiderate to the rest of the film crew (unless they say it’s okay). To do the job, I’d have to be mindful of where the camera is, allowing myself to open up and show every single motion.

There are times I want to simply kiss or lie back and receive the pleasure from my performing partner, but tragically I cannot. I must control my whims for the sake of the scene. I wear layers of makeup only to sweat it off and have it reapplied at least twice throughout the act. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run to a mirror during a director’s cut to make sure my eyelashes continue to stay glued on.

You would be critical of your appearance too if you knew that during the time you’re having sex, your picture would be taken for all the world to see. You’d want to look your best, right?

There are times when my face would more than likely express exhaustion if I didn’t keep it in check. The “ooh’s” and “aahh’s” all exaggerated to provide the ultimate porn experience. The goal is for the viewer to believe the performers are having the best time; Like a waitress greeting a table at a restaurant with a happy smile, even if she’s having a shitty day.

Sometimes I’m paired with someone I may have a slight connection with and the chemistry shows on camera. Sometimes the act is routine; Nevertheless, the company gets a sex scene for their website despite the possibility that the performers may not have been the best match. When you’re a professional and a great actress, you get the job done either way.

Porn sex is more mindful than real sex since you’re constantly looking to position yourself correctly, hold yourself propped up in one position for long periods of time without cramping up, or watching for the director’s signal to switch to a new position.

Many times there’s not a lot of foreplay before getting into the actual rendezvous, which takes away from the intimacy aspect of intercourse itself. It’s “Hi, I’m Anya. What are your preferences? Is there anything you don’t like? Great. Ok. Let’s roll.”

You’ve got to be bold and almost animalistic in your approach to sex in porn. It takes a special kind of person to be comfortable enough to openly tangle in front of a director, a sound guy, a makeup artist, and an assistant; Especially, one willing to receive unrealistic eruptions on different parts of her body for entertainment, (a pop shot).

I remember my first facial. Not the kind you get at a spa, but the kind where a man dispenses his orgasm onto someone’s face. I was instructed to receive it without flinching and smile as if ice cream had started raining from the ceiling on a hot summer day; Leaving it on my face for the director to get a great close up.

In real life, I’d never allowed a man to dump his load onto my face and eyes for the heck of it. I wouldn’t even let a man dispose of anything on me as if I am someone associated with human disposal. That’s just me. I didn’t even know that action existed until I entered into the porn industry.

In a real sexual setting, my partner would wear a condom and finish into it, or he’d finish somewhere else, but not on me. Before having real sex, foreplay is the main antagonizer of the whole experience. The kissing, touching, fondling, exploring different parts of the body before breaking down that wall is just as exciting.

There’s a total disregard for anyone else around during real sex. There’s no one watching so you can close your eyes if you so dare. You can kiss for long periods of time without a director yelling “Open up for us, please”. You can choose whether or not you want the lights on.

Having real sex means sweating without the concern of touching up makeup. You can take your time in any position you want. If you “open up” it would be for your partner and not anyone else, exposing breasts and sharing facial expressions to that person alone.

There’s less intimidation since there’s only one (or two, or three) person you need to impress. The flow is more organic leaving room for a more realistic completion. In porn, an actor is expected to hold his eruption until the director requests it. Even then, he must have a routine that works for him to be able to provide an explosion on cue. It’s pure talent and nothing like I’ve ever seen before.

After having real sex, a man has the option of finishing or not. Sometimes you just want to enjoy the feeling, then take a break and maybe cuddle naked together in each other’s embrace. That’s not an option for the people who provide your on-screen entertainment.

In porn, our bodies can be close, but not so close as to cover what viewers want to see. Sometimes performers will meet up after shooting a scene together to have sex again off camera just to have the experience they were missing. To be a porn actor means to sacrifice certain intimacies to create the sought-after illusion.

I prefer real sex over porn sex when it comes to having sex overall, yet I’m grateful to know how to do both and separate the two. I’ve been a performer my entire life, so the job is not difficult for me. I do, however, appreciate a sexual partner who does not require a performance behind closed doors. It’s so much more romantic.

Real sex allows heaving breathing without exaggerated or unnecessary exclamations. A simple “Oh yes.” or “Just like that” will do. It means connection; a total disregard for anyone else in the room, let alone the world. It’s a passionate dance in the heat of a moment in time; not planned for a stage with spotlights and an audience, where the audience then feels compelled to dissect and criticize your encounter.

People mention all the time how inexperienced viewers shouldn’t take to porn to learn about sex. Although I agree, I don’t know where else you can actually view sex unless you happen to walk in on two people accidentally.

Porn is made for viewers to see different forms of sexual acts, and sex education is its own category. It’s the responsibility of the more experienced adult to share accurate information, separating the realities of intercourse from a circus act such as porn.

Pornography is one of the hottest commodities in the world and does not seem to be going away anytime soon. So my wish is to create a harmonious environment for all to understand the complexities of human sexuality. My desire is for everyone to know and be sure of the fact that porn is entertainment, like a WWF match. All the while, real intercourse is beautifully spontaneous and unscripted, like a street fight.

Dating As a Porn Star

Dating for me is not the easiest thing in the world right now as an adult film actress. Then again, when is it ever? Besides the stigmas that come along with my job (like being quick to get in bed with or being super hungry for sex at all hours) I usually deal with the basic navigations of dating too.

I think it’s important to heed who you allow into your life, especially when dating. This is why I date with two different categories in mind: Is this guy a beneficial one or a potential partner? I know I may upset some of the men I’ve dated in the past if they’re reading this and never considered this factor during the time we were together. Nonetheless, it’s a guideline I’ve lived and dated by to protect myself as a woman in my position.

Dating a porn star is a bit like winning the lottery, great in concept, but hard to handle” – Ryan Driller

Beneficial Guys:

A beneficial man would be one who greatly enhances my life in exchange for my companionship. He would either give me great sex, access to connections I need to network in a group or be a travel companion.

There are men I’ve dated purely for the sexual interactions we have that turn out to be the only real connection between us. There are men I’ve dated who loved to bring me along at networking events and introduce me to people I should know based on my goals. I enjoy those men because they want to see me thrive as a woman, in exchange for my company. There are men I’ve dated that I would only see when it’s time to jet out to some tropical island and relax for a week under the sun.

Although that sounds like a dream way to date someone, imagine the loneliness felt when the vacation is over and you’re back in your studio apartment. This is why I also date men who could be a potential partner for me to marry in the future. I don’t see these men very often, but when I do it’s absolutely magical.

Potential Partners:

“…it takes a monumental human to be in a relationship with a porn star. The levels of understanding, patience, energy, and the complete lack of jealousy you need to possess to be with these creatures is colossal.” – Samatha Bentley

These are men who are usually in the same age group as me, who are on similar levels in life, who I could possibly bring home to mama. I’ll more than likely introduce myself to these men with my birth name. A potential partner for me is someone I envision to be my husband in the years to come. These men, I date with strategy and extreme care.

A lot of people may wonder what kind of man would accept a woman with the lifestyle I lead. I’m here to say that there aren’t many, but the ones who do (and are sincere in doing so) make life truly worth living and love worth fighting for.

 

There really is someone for everyone. The challenge is taking the steps to get aligned with the right people. I’ve been working on myself a lot lately since I’ve gotten more serious about dating. I’m trying to work inward, hoping to create outward results. I take more yoga classes during the week, study subjects I want to master through online courses and listen to inspiring audiobooks like Oprah’s What I Know For Sure. It can also be a challenge to meet new people as an introvert.

If I lock myself away too long, a stagnant circle of the same men will form in my life. I’d like to keep moving forward with each blessed day to find the piece that fits my puzzle. How frustrating is it to try and make pieces fit when they’re not mean to? So I force myself to be social in settings that interest me, and the journey continues toward my true self and the yin to that yang.

Boxes

Packing up to move has really been rocking my boat. Between having thumb wars with packing tape and taking giant leaps over cardboard boxes, I’ve been in a cluster of sorts. At a dinner party, I’ll put on a sweet face and convince everyone that everything’s peachy; As if my clothes aren’t all strategically packed away. Moving is a bitch I like to handle with poise and a hair flip.

I started packing about two weeks ago, looking up tips online and making boards on Pinterest. I chose Sundays to donate my household items and old clothes that would categorize me as a hoarder. I’d ask myself, “Is this something you want to take on your new journey?” If not, I’d part with it in the hopes it will make someone else very happy.

It’s been so surreal; Boxing up my apartment like a dwarf, all the while accepting Snow White’s invitations to brunch. Marni Amsellem, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at Smart Health Psychology, says that even though moving can be exciting, exciting things are often fraught with stress. One way I’ve always managed stress is through meditation.

At the start of every morning and the dusk of every evening, I stop and center myself in preparation for life’s many challenges. With eyes closed, I like to pause and envision the world working around me. With each deep breath, I draw in strength from an inhale and exhale weakness, doubt and worry.

The bright side is where I want to stay. I’ve been looking toward the light at the end of the tunnel.  If my neighbors peeked through the towers of stacked boxes, they’d find me dancing naked to house music getting high off black permanent markers.

There’s a calm eye at the center of this storm because I’m secure in knowing it’s all going to be okay post move. I know I’m moving toward something greater than what I have now; Something I can’t reach if I remain in this current situation. So I’m boxing up and letting go.

HELPFUL ARTICLES I read this week: 

How to Cope with the Stress of Moving

Balancing Life While Moving 

5 Ways To Stay Positive During a Move 

 

Lingerie Oohh La La

I’ve got a sweet spot for lingerie in my heart. Some of us think of lingerie as something intricate and out of reach, or only to be worn on special occasions. For me, it is my refuge. With my most recent responsibilities as a caregiver to my grandma going through chemotherapy, a tutor to my brother in the third grade, and occasional errand runner for my mother, living at home causes me to feel not so hot at times.

IMG_0961

I turn to lingerie for that boost I need to bring out my inner goddess. Most days, I only have time to throw on yoga pants and a sweatshirt. Underneath those plain humdrum items, are pieces that caress my curves in all the right places. When I haven’t had time to put on any makeup and I have on socks that don’t match, I can hold my head high knowing my bra is the bomb. 

Facetune_27-03-2019-11-36-43

Sometimes, all it takes to feel ultra sexy during the day is a seamless pair of underwear, feeling soft and smooth with each stride. The right pair of panties can have a girl walking with a little more swagger than before, listening a little more closely, and standing a little straighter too.

Facetune_27-03-2019-13-15-45

When the clouds are heavy and gray overhead, we can always find sunshine in a perfect piece. I have a go-to gray, cotton set where there’s no padding in the bra but it’s very sturdy, holding up these boulders I’ve been blessed with. It’s also precisely smooth and doesn’t show under any shirts. I suppose that’s my biggest challenge, finding bras that hold but don’t impose. That’s entirely a topic all its own.

Lingerie is not a foreign puzzle to be solved. It’s not simply to be worn before sex. It shouldn’t even be an option. It’s a necessity; A hidden weapon available to all. It has been a known source of armor and a source of sheer empowerment since the very beginning. I’ll continue to be an advocate for the importance of intimate apparel until the sun sets in the East. 

I Know What You Did Last Year

Oh, man. How would I describe my entire experience of the last twelve months and boil it down in a nutshell?. I can say that this has been a year of advantaged freedom. I did most everything I wanted to do without fear; from traveling through Europe to taking as many skill classes as I could muster the courage to try.

I’ve been auditioning for mainstream films just to get the hang of it. I’ve taken international trips without notice, just because I could. Sometimes, I’d sleep in till noon just because I felt like it. This has been a year of doing the things I imagine myself doing without anyone telling me I couldn’t; which has its consequences, but I wanted to take charge of this rare moment of flexibility in my lifetime.

I went this entire year without committing to a stable relationship. I wanted to do the work it would take to heal as much as I could from not only my last break-up but all heartbreaks that have come before. I wanted to fall in love with myself without creating some false idea of who I am through the energy of someone else. This year, I told myself I would take as long as it took to feel truly eligible for my own idea of a great man.

I’ve been through numerous amounts of fleeting new friends and I’ve even reconnected with old ones I never thought I’d speak to again. Those reunions were precious to me and I’m grateful for our evident alignment, and also proud of myself for allowing that love back into my life.

I’m sitting here, comfortably, worry-free with endless possibilities at my disposal. I think about all the people around the world who would kill for my freedom and ability to choose whatever direction they wanted to move in whenever they felt like it. It may seem like I’m bragging somewhat but I’m only able to see this light, having come from so much darkness.

I don’t want to misuse this blessing and a lot of times it doesn’t feel like a blessing at all. There’re still deep waves of depression that wash over me from time to time. What keeps me going is the knowledge that everything I’ve been through and overcome has made me stronger, more experienced, wiser and more prepared for so many challenges life may have for me in the future.

A lot of times I get very sad when I think about the high contrast between where I am and where I want to be. I refuse to accept the limitations of the stigmas that surround my current occupation as a porn actress. I have dreams and ideas that frighten me, but they’re mine all the same. Many times I get discouraged because I haven’t found a tribe of people who share the same ideas for a future, who might be able to help me or lift me up in times of doubt. But that’s okay, and I’ll carry on until the day I do.

I know that one day when I’m making all the right choices, the right people will come along. Every day I pray to make my heart more receptive to those kinds of people; those kindred spirits. I fear I may have already run some of those people out of my life and didn’t even know it. But, I have to believe that’s okay too. Because every moment of our lives are defined by the choices we make and if I wasn’t ready, then I just wasn’t ready.

This year I want to overcome a lot of the self-sabotaging thoughts that hold me back from taking chances, like: “You’re too damaged to fall in love so easily.” “Your porn career will overshadow you and hold you down farther than it would anyone else.” “You’re too stubborn for anything good to happen on its own.” “You have to think twice, if not three times, before taking a risk because you’ve been through too much already.” “You won’t be anyone other than a sex symbol” “Everyone you meet will recognize you, look you up on his phone and start whispering about you, causing you to become uncomfortable wherever you go.” ALL LIES.

My birthday’s in January, so I’ve already started planning what I’ll do for myself. I’ve booked a trip to Bali, Indonesia where I’ll stay at a nice, boutique hotel on the beach, meditate, meet with a shaman, learn to surf and reconnect with myself even more.

I’ve also gone through my old photos to put together a birthday album. Looking back at how far I’ve come, I think I’ve come a very long way. I can pinpoint moments when I wanted to simply give up. I’ve wanted to call it quits more times than I can count and sitting here today as I take a deep breath in my cozy Georgia house with my family downstairs cooking a hot meal on New Year’s Eve makes me so grateful I didn’t give in to those deceitful thoughts.

We have all done things we’re not proud of and desire to erase those pages and start over, especially when we see other people who seemingly have it better than we do. The ability to keep going is one I’m forever grateful for. Looking back, I’ve always known I’m meant for a great mission. I know in my heart that a sex symbol is not even the smallest grain of who I’m meant to be. So each day I’m given is one I have to cherish, making new choices to move forward towards that ultimate individual.

Sometimes when I don’t know what to do, or I feel like I’ve done all I can as a woman on her own, I do nothing. I sleep. I read a book. I meditate. Sometimes it feels like it’s not enough, but I refuse to burn myself out. I refuse to take steps in a direction that’s not my own. I know people who truly believe that if they’re not working nonstop they’re not doing enough. That “Money never sleeps, so I won’t either” mindset is one I’ve never had. I have always enjoyed doing things I’m good at for long periods of time, but if I’m tired, anyone who knows me can tell you, I’ll rest.

This year I want to feel more assured in my choices, that each step I take is one for my own true greater good. When I’m blessed with children, I’ll take steps for them. Until then, it’s just me and the spirits that guide me.

I like being able to hear them, to feel them surrounding me when I’m still. There’ve been times when I was moving way too fast to hear or feel anything but what my eyes could see. The time I considered myself an alcoholic after four different trips to the hospital for alcohol intolerance and regularly attending AA meetings was a trying time; However, I’ve decided not to let anything control me in such a way that I feel powerless to it. So I’ve done the work to overcome that battle, and that’s a personal choice I know everyone doesn’t have the will to pursue.

There are so many things still I want to do with this life and so many things I wish could have transpired differently, but I’m thankful all the same. This year, I hope to listen more, not only to myself but the wisdom that surrounds me and the voices I feel are spoken for my ears alone. This year I want to attract friends, lovers, and opportunities set in place for me to enjoy without guilt or shame. I think it’s high time I allowed myself to live without so much fear or mistrust of my own life path.

Overall, I want to leave a lasting legacy of a girl who never gave up. I want to continue moving toward the things I love that make my heart sing; Listening to criticism but not letting it discourage me, taking risks that I believe in, and building a life I can be sure my family and future children will be proud of.

I don’t exactly know what this year holds for me since I’m on the verge of walking down so many different paths, from taking a job as a flight attendant to acting in major mainstream films, to continuing my work as an erotic artist. All I truly know is how grateful I am for my opportunities and the love I receive from my family, and how grounded I’ve become in my own self-assurance. This year, I’d like to expand on that growth and do all I can to help others grow too.