Porn Sex vs. Real Sex

It’s common knowledge to most people that porn sex is not the same as real sex, at all. There are very distinct differences between the two acts. From my own experience as a porn actress, these two types of intercourse can be just as different as the sun and the moon.

Porn sex is a show. Think of yourself getting it on with your lover and you look up to find one huge spotlight raised in each corner of the room, highlighting your every wrinkle and hair follicle. In porn, sex positions are chosen that cater toward the visual aesthetic of the viewer and not what feels natural or most comfortable. Most times, I’d be in positions I wouldn’t normally choose in a dim-lit bedroom; Like a reverse cowgirl with my arms pinned back or a pile driver with extended legs and pointed toes.

Those types of positions are specifically for showing off a woman’s most private regions and exposing them in high definition. Viewers like to see exposed breasts, facial expressions, and penetration all at once. So, while I’m bouncing up and down, I’d have to have my legs open as wide as possible, body tilted toward a camera and my face expressing maximum pleasure. Super realistic.

In porn, there’s an unspoken responsibility to not get lost in the act because, at the end of the day, it’s a performer’s job to sell the fantasy. Getting caught up in an intimate moment may not provide the best angling for video footage and is inconsiderate to the rest of the film crew (unless they say it’s okay). To do the job, I’d have to be mindful of where the camera is, allowing myself to open up and show every single motion.

There are times I want to simply kiss or lie back and receive the pleasure from my performing partner, but tragically I cannot. I must control my whims for the sake of the scene. I wear layers of makeup only to sweat it off and have it reapplied at least twice throughout the act. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run to a mirror during a director’s cut to make sure my eyelashes continue to stay glued on.

You would be critical of your appearance too if you knew that during the time you’re having sex, your picture would be taken for all the world to see. You’d want to look your best, right?

There are times when my face would more than likely express exhaustion if I didn’t keep it in check. The “ooh’s” and “aahh’s” all exaggerated to provide the ultimate porn experience. The goal is for the viewer to believe the performers are having the best time; Like a waitress greeting a table at a restaurant with a happy smile, even if she’s having a shitty day.

Sometimes I’m paired with someone I may have a slight connection with and the chemistry shows on camera. Sometimes the act is routine; Nevertheless, the company gets a sex scene for their website despite the possibility that the performers may not have been the best match. When you’re a professional and a great actress, you get the job done either way.

Porn sex is more mindful than real sex since you’re constantly looking to position yourself correctly, hold yourself propped up in one position for long periods of time without cramping up, or watching for the director’s signal to switch to a new position.

Many times there’s not a lot of foreplay before getting into the actual rendezvous, which takes away from the intimacy aspect of intercourse itself. It’s “Hi, I’m Anya. What are your preferences? Is there anything you don’t like? Great. Ok. Let’s roll.”

You’ve got to be bold and almost animalistic in your approach to sex in porn. It takes a special kind of person to be comfortable enough to openly tangle in front of a director, a sound guy, a makeup artist, and an assistant; Especially, one willing to receive unrealistic eruptions on different parts of her body for entertainment, (a pop shot).

I remember my first facial. Not the kind you get at a spa, but the kind where a man dispenses his orgasm onto someone’s face. I was instructed to receive it without flinching and smile as if ice cream had started raining from the ceiling on a hot summer day; Leaving it on my face for the director to get a great close up.

In real life, I’d never allowed a man to dump his load onto my face and eyes for the heck of it. I wouldn’t even let a man dispose of anything on me as if I am someone associated with human disposal. That’s just me. I didn’t even know that action existed until I entered into the porn industry.

In a real sexual setting, my partner would wear a condom and finish into it, or he’d finish somewhere else, but not on me. Before having real sex, foreplay is the main antagonizer of the whole experience. The kissing, touching, fondling, exploring different parts of the body before breaking down that wall is just as exciting.

There’s a total disregard for anyone else around during real sex. There’s no one watching so you can close your eyes if you so dare. You can kiss for long periods of time without a director yelling “Open up for us, please”. You can choose whether or not you want the lights on.

Having real sex means sweating without the concern of touching up makeup. You can take your time in any position you want. If you “open up” it would be for your partner and not anyone else, exposing breasts and sharing facial expressions to that person alone.

There’s less intimidation since there’s only one (or two, or three) person you need to impress. The flow is more organic leaving room for a more realistic completion. In porn, an actor is expected to hold his eruption until the director requests it. Even then, he must have a routine that works for him to be able to provide an explosion on cue. It’s pure talent and nothing like I’ve ever seen before.

After having real sex, a man has the option of finishing or not. Sometimes you just want to enjoy the feeling, then take a break and maybe cuddle naked together in each other’s embrace. That’s not an option for the people who provide your on-screen entertainment.

In porn, our bodies can be close, but not so close as to cover what viewers want to see. Sometimes performers will meet up after shooting a scene together to have sex again off camera just to have the experience they were missing. To be a porn actor means to sacrifice certain intimacies to create the sought-after illusion.

I prefer real sex over porn sex when it comes to having sex overall, yet I’m grateful to know how to do both and separate the two. I’ve been a performer my entire life, so the job is not difficult for me. I do, however, appreciate a sexual partner who does not require a performance behind closed doors. It’s so much more romantic.

Real sex allows heaving breathing without exaggerated or unnecessary exclamations. A simple “Oh yes.” or “Just like that” will do. It means connection; a total disregard for anyone else in the room, let alone the world. It’s a passionate dance in the heat of a moment in time; not planned for a stage with spotlights and an audience, where the audience then feels compelled to dissect and criticize your encounter.

People mention all the time how inexperienced viewers shouldn’t take to porn to learn about sex. Although I agree, I don’t know where else you can actually view sex unless you happen to walk in on two people accidentally.

Porn is made for viewers to see different forms of sexual acts, and sex education is its own category. It’s the responsibility of the more experienced adult to share accurate information, separating the realities of intercourse from a circus act such as porn.

Pornography is one of the hottest commodities in the world and does not seem to be going away anytime soon. So my wish is to create a harmonious environment for all to understand the complexities of human sexuality. My desire is for everyone to know and be sure of the fact that porn is entertainment, like a WWF match. All the while, real intercourse is beautifully spontaneous and unscripted, like a street fight.

Dating As a Porn Star

Dating for me is not the easiest thing in the world right now as an adult film actress. Then again, when is it ever? Besides the stigmas that come along with my job (like being quick to get in bed with or being super hungry for sex at all hours) I usually deal with the basic navigations of dating too.

I think it’s important to heed who you allow into your life, especially when dating. This is why I date with two different categories in mind: Is this guy a beneficial one or a potential partner? I know I may upset some of the men I’ve dated in the past if they’re reading this and never considered this factor during the time we were together. Nonetheless, it’s a guideline I’ve lived and dated by to protect myself as a woman in my position.

Dating a porn star is a bit like winning the lottery, great in concept, but hard to handle” – Ryan Driller

Beneficial Guys:

A beneficial man would be one who greatly enhances my life in exchange for my companionship. He would either give me great sex, access to connections I need to network in a group or be a travel companion.

There are men I’ve dated purely for the sexual interactions we have that turn out to be the only real connection between us. There are men I’ve dated who loved to bring me along at networking events and introduce me to people I should know based on my goals. I enjoy those men because they want to see me thrive as a woman, in exchange for my company. There are men I’ve dated that I would only see when it’s time to jet out to some tropical island and relax for a week under the sun.

Although that sounds like a dream way to date someone, imagine the loneliness felt when the vacation is over and you’re back in your studio apartment. This is why I also date men who could be a potential partner for me to marry in the future. I don’t see these men very often, but when I do it’s absolutely magical.

Potential Partners:

“…it takes a monumental human to be in a relationship with a porn star. The levels of understanding, patience, energy, and the complete lack of jealousy you need to possess to be with these creatures is colossal.” – Samatha Bentley

These are men who are usually in the same age group as me, who are on similar levels in life, who I could possibly bring home to mama. I’ll more than likely introduce myself to these men with my birth name. A potential partner for me is someone I envision to be my husband in the years to come. These men, I date with strategy and extreme care.

A lot of people may wonder what kind of man would accept a woman with the lifestyle I lead. I’m here to say that there aren’t many, but the ones who do (and are sincere in doing so) make life truly worth living and love worth fighting for.

 

There really is someone for everyone. The challenge is taking the steps to get aligned with the right people. I’ve been working on myself a lot lately since I’ve gotten more serious about dating. I’m trying to work inward, hoping to create outward results. I take more yoga classes during the week, study subjects I want to master through online courses and listen to inspiring audiobooks like Oprah’s What I Know For Sure. It can also be a challenge to meet new people as an introvert.

If I lock myself away too long, a stagnant circle of the same men will form in my life. I’d like to keep moving forward with each blessed day to find the piece that fits my puzzle. How frustrating is it to try and make pieces fit when they’re not mean to? So I force myself to be social in settings that interest me, and the journey continues toward my true self and the yin to that yang.

Boxes

Packing up to move has really been rocking my boat. Between having thumb wars with packing tape and taking giant leaps over cardboard boxes, I’ve been in a cluster of sorts. At a dinner party, I’ll put on a sweet face and convince everyone that everything’s peachy; As if my clothes aren’t all strategically packed away. Moving is a bitch I like to handle with poise and a hair flip.

I started packing about two weeks ago, looking up tips online and making boards on Pinterest. I chose Sundays to donate my household items and old clothes that would categorize me as a hoarder. I’d ask myself, “Is this something you want to take on your new journey?” If not, I’d part with it in the hopes it will make someone else very happy.

It’s been so surreal; Boxing up my apartment like a dwarf, all the while accepting Snow White’s invitations to brunch. Marni Amsellem, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at Smart Health Psychology, says that even though moving can be exciting, exciting things are often fraught with stress. One way I’ve always managed stress is through meditation.

At the start of every morning and the dusk of every evening, I stop and center myself in preparation for life’s many challenges. With eyes closed, I like to pause and envision the world working around me. With each deep breath, I draw in strength from an inhale and exhale weakness, doubt and worry.

The bright side is where I want to stay. I’ve been looking toward the light at the end of the tunnel.  If my neighbors peeked through the towers of stacked boxes, they’d find me dancing naked to house music getting high off black permanent markers.

There’s a calm eye at the center of this storm because I’m secure in knowing it’s all going to be okay post move. I know I’m moving toward something greater than what I have now; Something I can’t reach if I remain in this current situation. So I’m boxing up and letting go.

HELPFUL ARTICLES I read this week: 

How to Cope with the Stress of Moving

Balancing Life While Moving 

5 Ways To Stay Positive During a Move 

 

A Pornography

Here’s an awesome poem by Paisley Rekdal, an inspiring author from Utah. I came across this piece last week and just knew I had to share it here in my diary.

A PORNOGRAPHY

By Paisley Rekdal

There was a time when I watched it happen.
Strangers pressed to other strangers
in one bed, clothes on, air humid
with the cloying scent of fruit juice
and vodka; none of us
giving into another and yet unwilling to leave the scene
of that possibility,
pretending to sleep, actually sleeping.
Then waking again to slip a hand
over a shoulder, slide a finger
inside the waistband of a skirt; so young
(we are even now still
so young) in that hotel room
turning blue then lighter blue.
We wouldn’t have tried for more:
the kiss, the button; firm, white shape
of an image slipped wholly into the mind,
acted upon, dreamed upon,
filling the thin vessels of the lungs.
Earlier, a film, its forced sounds
of lovemaking. The tension I felt winding
into the muscles of some of the others in the room.
I remember I left for awhile.
We all left for awhile;
even the music was frightening. How
to strip ourselves like that, point
at the places that were wanted, plucked
and peeled; speaking the words, hearing them form us,
the nature of what we were
and could do to each other?
The music, the rocking, the sobbing.
The man called the woman by parts of herself.
Some laughed at this. I remember
I must have been one of them.
In the morning, the hotel room was turning white.
After the long night, hands were slipping
and unslipping, moving over the flattened pillows
as if in hopes something small could still satisfy us.
Someone turned and looked at someone else;
we all heard it. Legs
shifted, sheets slid themselves down waists
or shoulders, tightened again at the necks
of those pretending to sleep as the unblinking sun
crawled in our window.
From another room, coughing,
We all heard it.
Someone looked at someone else.
The room turned white. The air began clearing.

Paisley Rekdal, “A Pornography ” from The Invention of the Kaleidoscope. Copyright © 2007 by Paisley Rekdal.  Reprinted by permission of University of Pittsburgh Press.

Stay Up!

Uploading on social media used to be so much fun! Now despite the hundreds of comments I get under my photos, telling me how great my photos look, I still get overwhelmed and feel pressured by social media involvement. I took a six-month, social media cleanse only to jump right back onto the stage of the cyber circus.

It’s not usually realistic to wake up and feel so vibrant that you’d take a selfie in bed. If I didn’t feel the expectation to share my life with the Web, I could go weeks without posting online. There must be so many other people who feel that push-and-pull from the tug between wanting to be present and posting.

When we were traveling around Europe last month, my girl-friend and I argued a lot about taking the perfect photo. Instead of snapping a picture for memory’s sake, I always felt the pressure to take a photo from a perfect angle, with the best lighting, as she posed in a curated Instagram pose. It was exhausting.

I noticed how she would check her social media pages each time she got connected to Wi-Fi, whether we were on a tour or at a restaurant. I also noticed how different her energy felt when she didn’t have access to Wi-Fi. So needless to say, I noticed the imminent rise and fall in her mood based on what she saw on social media. There were times I wished I could throw both of our phones into The Mediterranean Sea.

An article in Psychology Today describes the useful adaptation of social media mindfulness. It can be very uplifting to understand how the world of social media works in the first place. “People who have problems with social media–whether it’s severe FOMO (fear of missing out), negative social comparison, need for validation or overuse–will have similar issues in other aspects of their life.  Rather than avoid social media, it is more effective to identify behavioral problems and learn skills to address and manage them, such as goal setting, self-regulation, and self-control.”  -Pamela B. Rutledge Ph.D.

This review by the Digital Journal highlights the different social media stresses and suggests how to keep them at bay. I don’t want to conform to a culture of constant disconnect. How do we stay present and live happy lives, outside of the unrealistic simulations projected from our cell phones?

CHOOSE WISELY

Be discerning about who you follow.

GET REAL

Choose to engage with people who share real, imperfect information.

FIND THE GOOD

Look for ways to engage in the good and counteract the bad.

 

LOG OFF

Take a social media cleanse.

 

If you haven’t done a cleanse before, I encourage you to try it. It’s amazing, total bliss. “Figuring out what makes people happy or unhappy is always messy, and much of the existing research is incomplete. But based on what experts know today, taking time away from social media seems more likely to brighten your day than bum you out.” -Markham Heid

This piece from Time questions how the rapid advancement of social media has affected the human psyche. I’d like to be able to keep up without feeling like a swimmer caught in a sea storm. The Buffer App explains how important positivity is on social media, whether you post it or perceive it. To be positive online generates positive feedback, leading to a positive experience overall.

Since there’s no way around it, the only solution to dealing with the pressures of social media is to work through it. Having a schedule for posting creates structure in such a chaotic world of constant posts. Follow pages that ignite inspiration rather than comparison. Take breaks if you need to! Don’t be fooled into believing the phrase “pics or it didn’t happen”. Life is just as beautiful lived through your own eyes.

Getting Off on the Go

My vibrator and I are best friends. The pink, seven speed, long-lasting, waterproof gadget, I can’t live without. When I traveled through Europe last month, I made sure to have at least one orgasm a day, no matter what. I could get off in the shower, in the laundry room, even during the five minutes it took for my travel partner to leave and come back with water bottles from the local market. What can I say? I’m in love with self-love and its benefits. For me to truly be a self-love advocate, I want to share how any woman can feel that sweet hum of serenity from anywhere.

So many of my girlfriends have expressed their desire to know more about what’s inside that neon lit store that stays open until 2 am with the tinted windows. A lot of them have no clue how many magical products are out there, ripe for the picking. I say to them all the time, “You can literally buy the feeling you are craving, in your favorite color, and give it a name.” I wish I had a magic wand to grant every girl her own customized instrument so she may harness the gift of clarity.

Every woman’s time schedule is different, but one thing always remains the same. That fluttering little heartbeat sitting between two soft buns in a warm oven, always commands attention. The hard challenge is tending to your wonder garden without the sun, bird songs and extra gardening equipment.

A woman usually has ritualistic, personalized steps for how she feels herself out. When she’s busy, traveling, or just plain heated, she has to have the right tools to repair a leaky faucet. There’s no time for candles and Sade music. She has to command the thing we all used effortlessly as young girls: her imagination. It’s so helpful to have a sexy scenario in mind before going into O-mode.

I like to think of something recent that gets me excited without hesitation; like a sexy barista I might have seen that morning. Maybe, I go back to the coffee shop on his lunch break and we sneak away to the dim-lit parking garage. Tucked away behind his car, he gently takes my head between his hands to melt his pillow-soft lips to mine; devouring me with tormenting passion.

Maybe he slowly gathers the folds of my skirt, exploring every inch of my trembling legs, only to find the tips of his fingers between my thighs. With each soft breath, careful not to echo through the lot, he grinds smoothly against me lowering himself to my knees. My vibrator plays the role of his eager tongue, fiercely begging me to erupt. And, boop! Ask, and thou shall receive.

With a good scenario in mind and a pocket-sized pleasure tool, I’m able to average about 45 seconds per sexy self-session. (Try saying that five times fast!) Do you think you have one minute to spare for your peace of mind? When I’ve played out sexy thoughts in my head (like the barista boy or a sexy UPS delivery guy) I find the clouds part after the rain has gone. I’m no longer thinking about wearing slutty clothes out to bar to attract some easy lay who I’ll regret talking to in the morning. I can focus on my art, read a good book, or plan a fun game night with my friends.

If you don’t own a toy you would kill for, I suggest going out to get one, tonight. Take the time to choose a pal that’s got all your needs built-in. Is it waterproof? Does it have ridges? Does it glow in the dark? Is it travel sized? Here’s a guide to choosing the right one for you. Whatever you can imagine you need to quickly have a crowd cheering, ear-ringing orgasm, it’s available to you in 2018. Go get it, girl!

 

Finding Your Way, While Traveling

Every so often, I tend to get lost in the motions of a routine I’ve created. Recently, I found myself flowing with the rise and fall of waiting on a shoot assignment, hanging out with friends and sleeping in between. The routine of sporadic work, random leisure time, and loads of Netflix bingeing began to sink in all too deep. If I catch myself wading through steady water, I’m prone to create drastic change; Hence, my decision to travel through Europe for an entire month.

My goal was to reconnect with myself in a way that can only be achieved when separated from what I know. With the money I’d saved up from the last four years of porn acting, I hastily booked a rountrip ticket to the East.

As I was 5,000 miles overseas, many challenges arose that I was forced to handle with pure survival skills. It was interesting to see what kind of person came out in those genuine moments.

Lauren Miles of The Travel Project says that traveling forces you to use your voice, become a better navigator and step outside your comfort zone. There’s also research that explores all the ways travel can be extremely life changing.

I was faced with obstacles like language barriers and figuring out foreign train schedules. Imagine the challenge of communication. I had to summon the courage to walk up to strangers and ask questions, map in hand. “Do you know where this restaurant is, from here?” “Could you tell me where this train is headed, per favore?”

Eventually, I was led to download the Speak and Translate language app. It was a godsend. It was also intersting to see what type of people I attract.  When you think about it, it’s usually a direct reflection of yourself.

Reflections come in so many forms. I observed mine in the type of food I ate and was wiling to try. I could even reflect on how I chose to spend my time. I’ve kept all my receipts and ticket stubs for concrete evidence of my movement throughout my journey. Looking back, I’ve become more understanding of who I am and what unique skills I possess.

Sometimes, we all could use a remeinder of what makes us supremely special in this world. I was able to get aligned with my core self, while traveling with no guide, no schedule, and no expectations. There’s a slight shift in conciseness that occurs when accomplishing such a challenging feat. I’d say that I’m much more confident even in my own existence.

I’m confident in my abilities to influence people and create change. I’ve gained this sort of self-assurance by simply taking a huge risk and overcoming all obstacles along the way. After this journey, I truly feel like I can infulence my environment in many positive ways.